The first months after my baby was born, I argued infinitely with my husband.
Nevertheless, before having Rori, we rarely quarreled. On the contrary, we were a happy, lovely, harmonious couple.
After the baby, I was often exhausted after spending my whole day caring for our baby with very little time (more like non-existing) for myself.
I resent him for being so little at home. But, at the same time, he was working to provide for our family. So he couldn’t be with us as much even if he wanted to.
Often when I saw him walking through the door after work, I felt my face start tightening up, and the annoying little voice in my head began to talk loudly very upsetting (and generally not real) things. So then, I’d initiate an argument out of anything.
Why do couples quarrel so much after having kids?
The first year after having a baby comes with BIG adjustments and changes in a couple’s lifestyle.
We have some friends that broke up in this lapse of time, and after having our baby, I usually thought: I understand now what they went through.
It’s challenging, especially for financially independent women who had a career and social life and became full-time stay-at-home moms and the first caregiver of their babies.
Add the post-pregnancy rush of hormones, the hit on self-esteem, and sleep deprivation. It is a scenario conducive to developing these stressful situations between couples.
Some research has shown that couples who have had a first child are less satisfied with their marriages during the first postpartum year than in late pregnancy.
And a well-known 1957 study found that for 83 percent of couples, the arrival of their first child constitutes a marital crisis. And those numbers haven’t changed much since then.
How to stop arguing with your husband after baby
Despite the data, there are indeed couples that strengthen their relationships and seem happier than ever after having kids. So, it’s not impossible to solve these disagreements, especially if you are in a committed relationship. It is worth the effort.
Moreover, critical aspects of a baby’s development are intrinsically related to the quality of the parent’s relationship. Some of these milestones include attachment, physiological arousal, and language development.
I want to share how I got out of this loop of arguments and regained sanity in my marriage. Of course, I’m not going to pretend that we now agree 100% of the time and are “happily ever after.” But we have returned to feeling love, joy, connection, and satisfaction again in our relationship despite the challenges of parenthood.
Keep reading to find out how I stopped arguing with my husband after having our baby.
1- You are not the only one arguing with your couple.
Even if you think you are the only one arguing with your husband after having a baby, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
I know that every time you scroll through Facebook or Instagram, all the other couples look so happy and cute with their babies! You know what? They are arguing too!
Don’t feel guilty or shame because you are living this experience. It is a “necessary” part of life because there are lessons you need to learn to grow as a person, as a parent, and as a couple.
2- Listen to your couple.
One of those life lessons is that your couple is also having a hard time.
Likewise, your significant other is also figuring out things and struggling with transitioning from being a partner to being a father.
Take some time to ask him how is he feeling? If you listen to him, you will know that he also is frustrated and tired. He neither has time for himself, and he misses as much as you sleeping and spending quality time together.
Honest talks help open up your heart through empathy. Because when you put yourself in the other’s shoes, your perception of things changes dramatically.
3- Connect emotionally
There are phases of parenthood where sleeplessness and stress make that parents can only fantasize about sex and romantic dates. Two resources that actually can end any quarrel between couples.
However, it’s essential to keep interested in connecting emotionally with your partner if you want to stop the fighting. Hugs, kisses, a romantic text message, a homemade meal, and even finding little moments to say: “I love you” are simple ways to stay in tune emotionally with your other half.
4- Plan together
There will be less space for spontaneity for a while, at least until you adapt as a couple to the new situation.
For instance, my husband loves “improvising,” and I’m a control freak. But, now that we have a baby, we combine our judgments to make experiences at least bearable and minimize misunderstandings and headaches.
You can still do fun things, but you need to find kid-friendly activities. And a little bit of planning will help make your new adventures enjoyable for everybody.
5- Adjust your goals
Sometimes adjusting our personal and couple goals is a healthy approach to avoid feeling frustrated. Because unfortunately, these negative feelings can potentially lead to disputes with your other half after having kids, especially during the first year.
You wanted things in life before having a baby that will need to wait a bit to fulfill. It’s ok! I promise you will find the time to accomplish them sooner or later.
For now, it is better to focus your attention on those objectives you can reach rather than those you can’t.
6- Find solutions, don’t just argue.
Make sure conversations with your partner intend to find solutions. Don’t just argue to argue.
I know from my own experience that sometimes we want to complain and complain until we drain. But complaining in the long run only fosters discomfort between the couple and can become a bad habit.
7- Practice gratitude
Early we were talking about life lessons. This one I learned the hard way.
On two occasions that I argued ugly with my husband, my little girl fell sick.
I believe the Universe was telling me that even when I thought that everything was wrong, it wasn’t because I had the blessing of having a healthy baby, a loving husband, food, shelter, and a three zillion of things to be thankful for in my life.
So I make practicing gratitude a daily habit. Every day, first thing in the morning, I think of five things I’m grateful for today. Then, I write them down in a journal when I get the chance, and it’s even more powerful.
Also, when he does something nice, I say “Gracias” to my hubby. Just to let him know that I acknowledge his efforts and consideration.
8- Make peace with your differences
Are you arguing with your husband after having a baby because of your differences?
When I met my husband, he was different than me. Even if we had a lot in common, we had different cultures, spoke distinct languages, and had different mindsets.
When it comes to parenthood, it is the same.
Men will never have the mom instinct that makes us protect our babies and put their safety and health first, even before our own needs.
That doesn’t make them bad fathers. They are different and have their own opinions and ways of doing things.
Accepting that will help you make peace with your hubby and stop arguing about silly things. For example, it’s ok if he doesn’t change the diaper the way you do it or if he is sometimes clumsy with the baby.
If something he is doing will affect the baby, mention it, but don’t criticize him constantly or argue in vain.
9- Finding happiness within you will help you stop arguing with your husband.
Being unhappy can trigger anger and arguments around you, not just with your husband.
If you are in a loop of disputes, it may be time to examine yourself and see why you are not happy.
In my case, being too tired is a trigger, as is spending a lot of time indoors and in isolation.
Lately, I have become more aware of my thoughts and bodily sensations. Because often, the controversy with my husband starts in my head in the shape of negative self-talk.
So when I realize that I am beyond my limits, I stop doing things around the house. Sometimes I go for a walk or play with my baby and tickle her, making us laugh like crazy. That helps me break the vicious cycle of being tired and bad-tempered.
10- Do something nice for yourself every day
Sometimes I’m tired from the beginning of the day because I had a sleepless night. But then, I’m even more gentle with myself.
I know it’s hard to find balance when you have to take care of a baby full time with no one’s support. But I make an effort to groom myself and do something nice for myself every day.
I know if I’m well, my baby and my hubby too. So when I make myself happy, I know I don’t want to argue with my husband at the end of the day.
11- Share the joy
One way to connect with your spouse is by sharing the beautiful moments you spend with your baby. After all, you are the one who is there to witness all those funny, little moments of cuteness and joy.
I take short videos of some aha moments of my girl and send them to him. I can imagine him smiling and being happy when he watches them.
Another thing that makes us immensely happy is the three of us getting into bed in the morning and hugging and playing with the baby under the blankets. It’s nice to start the day like this, aware that now we are more than a couple, we are a family, and therefore happiness multiplies.
Final thoughts
Arguing with your husband after having a baby is common while reinventing yourself as a parent.
Many couples are alone raising their kids, and the first year can be tricky as they are overtired, stressed, and sleep-deprived. However, it is essential to know that this is just one more chapter in the story of your marriage. This too shall pass.
Implementing some of these ideas with empathy and patience could save your marriage from plunging into the destructive habit of regularly arguing.
If you are going through a similar situation, I hope you will sort things out with your partner. And I hope your marriage will flourish after this phase.
I send you a big big hug from a sister that knows what you are living.
XOXO Idania
